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How to Talk About Sex

Sex can be tricky to talk about, mostly because our views and experiences of sex can be complicated.

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Sex can be tricky to talk about, mostly because our views and experiences of sex can be complicated. Things like family upbringing, religious beliefs, and peer groups can influence our values and attitudes towards sex. On top of that, many of us may not have had much experience talking about sex and sexuality with our family, friends, or even in school settings.

When it comes to birth control (contraception) , it’s important to acknowledge that it is a shared responsibility by all those involved if you want to avoid pregnancy or infections. Have these conversations outside of the heat of the moment, such as after dinner, or maybe while going for a walk, so that you can feel more prepared and commit to a plan you’ve both agreed to when the time to have sex comes. Some things that might come up in these conversations include:

Talking about STIs can feel awkward. A few ways of bringing up STIs are:

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  • I recently got tested for STIs. Have you been tested?
  • This isn’t the easiest conversation but it’s important for me to know. How do you feel about STI testing before we have sex?
  • I enjoy spending time with you, and before we go to the next level with our relationship, I wanted to talk about getting tested for STIs together.

Kudos to you and your partner(s) for taking the time to have this conversation! It’s not the easiest one to have, but incredibly important in setting your boundaries and expectations around sex. Some sample phrases that can help reassure your partner could be:

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  • Let’s get tested together if that’ll help you feel more comfortable.
  • Your health is important to me.
  • Let’s talk about how we can protect each other

 

Phrases to use about contraception if you’re worried about pregnancy or speaking about any preferred methods of contraception and your boundaries.

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  •  If it’s alright with you to tell me, what birth control do you prefer? 
  • Are you on any birth control right now?
  • Do you have condoms* at home?
  • Splitting the responsibility of contraception
    • Birth control is free in BC and I know a few centres that give condoms away. I can come with you if you feel nervous picking anything up. 
    • Can we take turns getting the condoms?

Checking in with your partner and how they feel is how to keep consent ongoing. Consent can be taken away at any time and no one should feel at fault.

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  • Does this feel alright?
  • What would you like me to do next?
  • I want to make sure you want to do this. Should I keep going?
  • It’s okay if you’re not into this. We can do something else. What do you think?

Tip: If you’ve communicated that you want to use a condom, and they either refuse, try to talk you out of it, or remove it without your consent – this is an example of reproductive coercion, and a big red flag.

These conversations go best when they happen before partners are highly aroused or having sex. To give you and your partner the best chance at good communication, trying talking about sexual health in a private, low-stress environment and try to have these conversation in person to prevent misunderstandings over text.”

Talking about sex, especially before you have sex is important because you get to express what you like or don’t like, and what you feel safe doing or not doing. There are many different ways to engage in conversations about sex, and one way isn’t more ‘right’ than the other. Remember: whatever feels comfortable for you and your sexual partner(s) is what’s right.