How to Talk About Sex

Talking about STIs can feel awkward. A few ways of bringing up STIs are:

• I recently got tested for STIs. Have you been tested?
• This isn’t the easiest conversation but it’s important for me to know. How do you feel about STI testing before we have sex?
• I enjoy spending time with you, and before we go to the next level with our relationship, I wanted to talk about getting tested for STIs together.

Kudos to you and your partner(s) for taking the time to have this conversation! It’s not the easiest one to have, but incredibly important in setting your boundaries and expectations around sex. Some sample phrases that can help reassure your partner could be:

• Let’s get tested together if that’ll help you feel more comfortable.
• Your health is important to me.
• Let’s talk about how we can protect each other.

These are some phrases to use about contraception if you’re worried about pregnancy or speaking about any preferred methods of contraception and your boundaries:

• If it’s alright with you to tell me, what birth control do you prefer? 
• Are you on any birth control right now?
• Do you have condoms* at home?
• Splitting the responsibility of contraception
  • Birth control is free in BC and I know a few centres that give condoms away. I can come with you if you feel nervous picking anything up. 
  • Can we take turns getting the condoms?

Consent can be taken away at any time and no one should feel at fault. Some sample phrases to check in with your partner:

• Does this feel alright?
• What would you like me to do next?
• I want to make sure you want to do this. Should I keep going?
• It’s okay if you’re not into this. We can do something else. What do you think?

Tip: If you’ve communicated that you want to use a condom, and they either refuse, try to talk you out of it, or remove it without your consent – this is an example of reproductive coercion, and a big red flag.

These conversations go best when they happen before partners are highly aroused or having sex. To give you and your partner the best chance at good communication, trying talking about sexual health in a private, low-stress environment and try to have these conversation in person to prevent misunderstandings over text.

Talking about sex, especially before you have sex is important because you get to express what you like or don’t like, and what you feel safe doing or not doing. There are many different ways to engage in conversations about sex, and one way isn’t more ‘right’ than the other. Remember: whatever feels comfortable for you and your sexual partner(s) is what’s right.