Enthusiastic consent can look like:
- Confirming that you and your partner(s) are interested before initiating any physical touch
- Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time
- Receiving positive feedback when you’re both comfortable with an activity (for example, “that felt good”, “please keep going”)
- Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying”
It’s important to note the absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. If you don’t know what they want, or they say yes but don’t seem sure, check in before you continue. There are a few different check-in phrases you can use:
- “Is this okay?”
- “Should I keep going?”
- “Does this feel good?”
- “What would you like me to do next?”
- “I want to make sure you want to do this. Should I keep going?”
- “It’s okay if you’re not into this. We can do something else. What do you think?”
At the same time, it’s important to pay attention to non-verbal cues. No matter what your partner is saying, think about how they are saying it. It can sometimes be hard to say no, even if someone wants to, so pay attention to your partner’s tone and body language. Non-verbal signs of refusal can look like:
- Looking uncomfortable
- Avoiding eye contact
- Crying
- Pushing away
- Shaking head no
- Silence
- Not being responsive
Physiological responses like an erection, lubrication, arousal or orgasm are involuntary, meaning your body might react one way even when you are not consenting to the activity. In no way does a physiological response mean that you consented to what happened. If your partner says “no”, doesn’t say anything, or says “yes” but seems unsure or uncomfortable, then you DON’T have consent and need to STOP.
It can be helpful to talk with your partner about what you are both comfortable with ahead of time. These conversations should happen outside of the heat of the moment, in an environment that both of you two are comfortable in.
