Consent

What is consent?

Consent is a really important topic no matter how long you’ve been with someone. 

Consent in this case means that all partners agree to sexual activity—whether that means kissing and touching, having sex or something in between. In order for sex to be fun, healthy, legal and respectful, consent is essential.

If you are involved in sexual activity with another person, their consent must be clear. They should tell you that they are okay with whatever is happening. Continuing any sexual activity without consent can be considered rape or sexual assault. 

What consent looks like

Enthusiastic consent can look like:

• Confirming that you and your partner(s) are interested before initiating any physical touch
• Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time
• Receiving positive feedback when you’re both comfortable with an activity (for example, “that felt good”, “please keep going”)
• Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying”

It’s important to note the absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. If you don’t know what they want, or they say yes but don’t seem sure, check in before you continue. There are a few different check-in phrases you can use: 

• “Is this okay?” 
• “Should I keep going?”
• “Does this feel good?”
• “What would you like me to do next?”
• “I want to make sure you want to do this. Should I keep going?”
• “It’s okay if you’re not into this. We can do something else. What do you think?”

At the same time, it’s important to pay attention to non-verbal cues. No matter what your partner is saying, think about how they are saying it. It can sometimes be hard to say no, even if someone wants to, so pay attention to your partner’s tone and body language. Non-verbal signs of refusal can look like:

• Looking uncomfortable
• Avoiding eye contact
• Crying
• Pushing away
• Shaking head no
• Silence
• Not being responsive

Physiological responses like an erection, lubrication, arousal or orgasm are involuntary, meaning your body might react one way even when you are not consenting to the activity. In no way does a physiological response mean that you consented to what happened. If your partner says “no”, doesn’t say anything, or says “yes” but seems unsure or uncomfortable, then you DON’T have consent and need to STOP. 

It can be helpful to talk with your partner about what you are both comfortable with ahead of time. These conversations should happen outside of the heat of the moment, in an environment that both of you two are comfortable in.

What if I change my mind? How do I take back my consent?

“No” and “I don’t want to” are complete sentences you can use if you don’t want to continue sexual activity. You don’t owe anyone — even someone you love — an explanation for why you don’t want to do what they want you to do. You can explain if you want, but you don’t have to. Everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected. 

If you do want to continue, be direct with how things feel for you with your partner by giving feedback often. Be confident and know what you want. You can use phrases such as:

• “That hurts. I don’t want to stop, but can we do [something else]?” 
• “I really like/love you, but I’m not ready for that.”
• “I think I need more [blank]to make this more comfortable.” 

Consent can always be withdrawn. A person can change their mind at any time, even about something that they have consented to before. If a person changes their mind, stop sexual activity. You cannot assume you have permission to engage in a sexual act just because you’ve done it in the past. This video is a great example of how to understand consent.

If you are worried about sexual violence in a specific situation, have a buddy system where you and a friend look out for one another. Talk to a friend before a date and set up times where one of you will contact the other. 

Things that affect your ability to give consent

• Drugs and alcohol can affect a person’s ability to give consent. Use check-in phrases often during sexual activity and pay attention to non-verbal cues. If you are receiving anything besides an enthusiastic “yes” then stop altogether. 
• The legal age of consent to sexual activity in Canada is 16. This age can be higher or lower, depending on your relationship with your partner(s) and their age. You can learn more about consent and the law here. For those under the age of 16, the “close in age” rule means that:
  • 12- and 13-year-olds can be sexual with people who are no more than two years older than them.
  • 14- and 15-year-olds can be sexual with people who are no more than five years older than them.
• Consent is needed for sharing of sexual photos (like sexting). It is illegal to share these types of photos without consent. Remember that consent can be withdrawn. If your partner shared nudes consensually with you, they only shared them with YOU, and they are not obligated to do it again if they don’t want to. Additionally, them sharing photos does not give you the right to share them with anyone else.

Consenting and asking for consent means that everyone is being clear about their wants and needs. When partners are respecting each other’s limits, they often feel more comfortable. As an added bonus, you might even be more turned-on when you and your partner talk about what you both want sexually,